Do you ever forget it? That moment? That moment where your heart breaks? But no, that’s not it. It’s not a break. A broken thing can be fixed, but this. This is unrepairable. This is a shattering. Your heart shatters into a million tiny pieces so finely ground that it could never be reconstructed.

Do you ever forget that moment? The song that was playing in the background; the time of day; the exact moment when those words “I’m leaving” hit you like a dagger to the chest and every bit of joy you’ve ever felt was sucked out of the room, leaving you in a vacuum where you can barely even breathe? The murder? Because it is.

It is murder.

Do you forget? Do you forget that feeling of grief and pain? The physical pain? Nobody told me about how much this would hurt physically. My entire body is rejecting this. Do you ever sleep or eat again? Do the tears ever stop? Will my hands ever stop shaking?

Does that feeling of standing on the edge of your balcony, panning through your mind for a reason-any reason- that you shouldn’t just fling yourself off to make it all stop? Does it go away?

Do you ever forget the feeling of betrayal? Betrayal of the worst kind. This person, the ONE person in the entire world that has sworn to love, honor, and protect you; the person who you entrusted your whole heart to-all your dreams, hopes, fears. The one you confided in, allowed into your most sacred of places- your very soul. This person who is your past, present, and future. This person who knows you- truly KNOWS you like no one else. This person who holds your heart in his hands and smiles as he drops it off a cliff, turning to casually walk away, not even bothering to watch as it is dashed into ruins on the rocks below. He keeps walking, even though you’re screaming in pain. He acts like he doesn’t hear it.

Do you forget that moment? When you realize that you are nothing to him? That you never were? That it was all smoke and mirrors; deception on a level so egregious that you can’t even fathom how he could do it to another human being, much less the person he vowed to love through everything.

Do you forget when he looked at you and told you that he never meant it? His vows, declarations of love, every moment that you thought was genuine? Any of it? Do you ever stop mourning the death of all that could be? All that you had dreamed or hoped for with this person, ripped out of your hands and executed right in front of you.

Do you ever stop feeling the humiliation of being abandoned? The shame? Being discarded like a piece of garbage? Do you ever stop trying to figure out what it was that you did that was so horrific to result in this? His hollow reasons, constantly changing, ring false; his blaming of you is shocking and unfounded. Do you stop replaying every conversation, looking for clues to somehow explain how this could happen? Does the feeling of utter self-loathing and worthlessness ever go away?

Are you ever able to reconcile this cold, callous, uncaring, and unknown person standing in front of you with the man who stood with you and promised you forever all those years ago?

Do you ever forget that moment?

Please tell me that you forget it.